Expectations!

By William S. Bossert, Presenter
American Adoption Congress, Southwest Regional Conference, November 14-15, 1997
 

Over the last 14 years, I have witnessed 900 plus reunions.  Without exception, each participant in that reunion brings certain expectations of what is going to happen in that event.  I believe it's important to understand what possible expectations may be brought to the reunion, and by whom.  Here is a partial list of potential expectations which may be present at a reunion from the various prominent participants.

The Adoptee

• My birth family will be as excited about meeting me as I am about meeting them.
• My adoptive family will celebrate my reunion with me and understand my joy.
• My spouse will be a happy bystander, content to enjoy my joy, as I meet all my birth family.
• My adoptive parents may not understand why I need to do this at first, but will come around later.
• My adoptive family will understand my need to include my birth family in the upcoming holidays.
• My birth family will understand that I need my space and will honor the boundaries I set.
• My birthmother will accept me as a friend and not try to "mother" me.  She will honor the boundaries I set.
• My birthmother will understand my anger at her and let me express it as I feel I need to without getting upset or angry at me.
• My adoptive siblings will accept my birth siblings and welcome them as part of the family.
• My life doesn't include my birth family.  I am happy with my adoptive family.
• They're my "real parents" because they raised me.  I trust when I say "no" it means "NO!"
• My birthmother will remember me and my birth.

The Birthmother

• My child will love me for who I am and let me show my love to him/her as I have always dreamed of.
• My child will not ask me too-personal questions which will force me to talk about a very painful time in my life.  My child will just be happy to know I am okay and we can be together.
• My child will accept being "hidden" since I have never told anyone about her/his birth.
• My child will let me set the boundaries of the relationship.
• My child will let me be "the mother" to them I have always wanted to be.
• My child will be spending the holidays with me and my family.
• My child's adoptive parents will welcome my presence into their family and understand that there are two sets of parents to the adoptee.
• My spouse will understand my need to now focus my attention on my reunited child.
• My child may be "just the ticket" to getting the man-of-my-dreams back – the birthfather.
• My child will honor my request to never contact the birthfather.
• My child will accept my explanation for what happened, and not seek information from others.
• My child and I will be very close.
• My other children will love and accept this reunited child with open arms.
• I know this will be a new beginning for me personally, and give me the strength to live a happy life.
• My child will honor my wishes and not contact me again or contact anyone else in the family.

The Birthfather

• "I'VE GOT A KID?  Really?  Who's the mother?"
• "Hey, this is "just the ticket" to getting that woman (birthmother) to love me again."
• "Oh, my she's beautiful.  I think I'm in love.  And she's my daughter?"
• My present wife will understand that I was young and foolish and will welcome this "love child" as one of the family.
• My child will honor my wishes and not contact me again or anyone else in the family.
• My child will not be asking me for financial help.
• My child will not be asking too-personal questions about why s/he was adopted out.

The Spouse

• I am happy the reunion happened, but now that it's over, we can get back to normal.
• I will not tolerate the hand-holding and hugging that is going on with the birth family.  Is that sick or what?
• We're not going to be spending the holidays with the family.
• My spouse seems different now, but I'm sure s/he will get over it soon.
• The birth family will understand that my family comes first, and will honor the boundaries I set.