As I approach the
fifth anniversary of finding Peggy, my birthmother,
deceased, I look back and realize that finding a grave at
the end of my search was one of the most difficult and
stressful experiences in my life. The days of grieving
often felt endless. The intense emotions and the pain
made it difficult to foresee a better time ahead.
During my most difficult moments, many people said that time
would ease the pain.
The first few months
after my search had been completed, I was numb with shock.
I would feel as if this wasn't happening to me. It's
not supposed to be this way. I could not eat. My
stomach would ache each time I would try to eat. I was
sad and unable to concentrate on anything. All the
while, I tried to figure out why this was happening to me.
I obsessed on "what-ifs" and felt guilty because i didn't
find Peggy before she died. I even blamed others for
her being dead. sometimes, my feeling were directed at
unexpected targets. Looking back, I now realize how
many people I hurt during this period in my life.
Now I can accept the
reality of Peggy's death, I can go on with my life. I
still feel angry at times and cry easily, but my life has
begun to recover from the loss. The second loss of my
birthmother will always be traumatic, but I am learning to
put it into perspective. I accept that the feelings I
have are part of the grief process and try to share them
with my family and friends. I let them know I need to
talk and reach out to them asking for their support.
They have always been there.
Since the day I
completed my search, I keep something of Peggy's near me.
I wear the Italian horn that she wore or carry the photocopy
of her hands in my three-ring binder at work. She is
always in my heart and thoughts. Throughout the year,
especially on significant days, I try to honor the memory of
my birthmother. It may be writing a piece such as
this, sharing my story with others, reflecting privately by
the water, visiting the cemetery and placing flowers on her
grave, or maybe all of the above. Whatever I choose to
do, I try to do whatever feels right for me in my heart and
what comforts me the most. I will always make a point
to honor Peggy in some way in order to celebrate my life,
her life, and our lives together.
You are probably
wondering how my adoptive parents have taken all of this.
The parents who raised me were thrilled to take me into
their family. They appreciate me and have left me
alone to be my own person. They don't mess with who I
am and who I want to be, but I always know they are there
for me when I need them. I love them dearly and feel
fortunate to have them. They were supportive
throughout most of my search and aftermath. I think
they have gone through the same feelings and emotions that I
have but for different reasons. Someday, losing them
will be no easier and maybe even harder than losing my
birthmother.
However, even though I
have wonderful parents, I still feel the desire to reconnect
with the woman who gave birth to me. Peggy held
secrets and knowledge about me that no one else knew and
will ever know.
Dealing with finding a
grave at the end of my search has been a profound and
difficult process. Accepting the death of my
birthmother and dealing with the emotions of finding a grave
has helped me become who I am today. I am not the same
person I was five years ago. I still have the same
likes and dislikes. I still have the same morals and
values that I was raised with, and I am still the caring and
loving person that I have always been. But now I have
a different outlook on life. I even questioned God and
whether there really is a God.
The person I am today
is not the quiet, keep-her-mouth-shut, "good" adoptee.
I stand up for who I am and what I believe in. I am
more self-confident in my abilities and myself. I
strongly believe I wouldn't be who I am or where I am if I
had chosen not to search. Now I am happy about where
my life is heading. I can finally move on. Sure,
I still have many characteristics of an adoptee – fear of
abandonment and rejection, difficulty with separation for
long periods of time – but this is all part of who I am.
I am hopeful that, as more time goes by, these fears will
lessen.
The pain of loss will
always be there, but I am learning to live with it. By
this I mean that I don't sidestep the pain. I let
myself feel it when it comes, and this has been healthier
for me. When I let myself grieve, I work through a
little more of the pain.
I hope someday I will
realize that time did ease the pain.